I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
