Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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