"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
