Define "chronic" masturbator.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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