dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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