i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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