Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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