Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
