Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I need moral support for this bender
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
