I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
