Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
