i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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