he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
