when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
