she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
