yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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