U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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