Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
