He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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