I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Fuck appropriateness.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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