Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
