I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
