i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize