He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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