dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
