i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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