If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
