I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
