I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I will pee on everything he values.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize