I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my shit smells like andre
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
