fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
