Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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