none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Randomize
