Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
