my phone needs a breathalizer
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
