next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
