Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
