there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
