I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
