Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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