Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
