I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
