So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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