Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
