I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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