I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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