Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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