I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize