I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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