Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
