found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
