Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
