I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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