and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
