My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
