Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
