I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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