dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
