nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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