Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize