Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
