every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
