I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
then he tried to convert me to islam
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
