pop tarts are not kleenex
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
